As helpless as one can get......

Some things are just meant to happen.you just cannot stop them or avoid them.They will happen.Call it fate,call it chance,call it whatever you want to,the idea is....you cannot escape it.
That's the irony of it.Love is just like one of those situations.
And love at first sight is even worse.
It leaves you confused,it makes you bewildered,it leaves you in a state of indecision.A decision awaits your consent....."Is it love???? and if not love, then what the hell is it??"
Many of you must have had the same feeling at least once in a while in their life.They can very well agree with me that its the most restless times of all....


I was standing there,just where it really gets tricky,either you make it or break it.
Here i personally  feel that there is a very thin line which seperates love and infatuation.
I simply stood there,looking at her....she walking towards me.My heart missed a few beats.Speechless,yes,speechless was the word for my condition.
All i could do was to stand there and admire her.An angel here on Earth.Was i in heaven,or heaven had just shifted to a new office here downstairs.I wanted to know the answer,Badly.....


The innocence on her face,the sweetness of her smile,the glow on her face,all made me restless,i could feel my heart shrinking to the size of a pea.I was begging for mercy,i was begging to touch her,i would have done anything to talk to her once.Never felt this  way before....ever.This feeling was something new to me.

The night was a tough one.Getting her off my mind just next to impossible.I would have beaten Newton that day in Physics but was unable to stop thinking about her.Crazy me!!  "stupid,she is just like any other girl,chuck it and go to sleep"    "But she was different,she was so beautiful too."
This was all i could get in reply from my heart,which had already captured her and was bent to not let her go.....the very old Brain vs. Heart battle had started!!
One presenting its view,the other rejecting it instantly and giving its logic in defense.
"she was so beautiful"
"Shut up,she was just hot,nothing more"
"Are you nuts,never seen a girl like her before"
"There are many other girls too,and they are also beautiful,and hot too!! "
"So what?? "
and the war just kept on going,till i gave up and dozed off,the day had been a tough one!


Days passed,monsoon passed,winters came,and so did the deadly half yearly's.Damm these exams!! hate them.
But all this while what i failed to realize that i had her at the back of mind all the time.I did not realize it that time,maybe i ignored it.
but there was not a single day that i did not think about her.......but i failed to see this.Ignorant,or rather careless.

Time flew away,and in no time a whole year went by.
Only the year had changed,not my feelings for her.They were still there.More stronger than before.I could feel that now i wanted to see her again.Talk to her.look at her.At least ask her what her name was......
But some things are just not meant to happen your way.My pre boards were round the corner.And i could already feel the pressure of it.Family,friends,almost everyone was now talking about it.For me it meant no cricket,no cycling,damm these board people,mental torture....that is how i will put it.
Many will agree with me,many will not.....those who do,thank you,those who don't,you are an ass then!!!

Had to cover up a lot of course,but who cared.Cricket was more important,everything else could wait!!!!

 In all this confusion,I  joined a coaching of survey maps.Geography sucks,but survey maps were good,somehow  I loved them.Or rather i made myself love them...
I still remember very clearly,Batch 7,evening batch,5 to 6.
First day,just managed to reach on time.Entered the coaching.it was a small room.A small door which lead into it.the room had few windows,a black board near the door,on the right,and on the left,there were two benches,and chairs followed them.All were full.I looked for a vacant seat.Finally i saw one,near the wall on the other side of the entrance.
Stuffed myself between two guys.One of them was smelling badly.Damm him!!!
Ma'am had still not come.No friends of mine were attending this batch.had nothing else to do.Thought of doing what the boys do the best when they have nothing else to do....'to check out the girls'....
The first two rows were full of them......it was sight seeing time.....
my eyes rolled down to each one of them,slowly,giving each girl a proper share of time,i could not be unfair to any of them!!!

"average"
"nice"
"yuk,forget it"
"hot"
"ok types"
"What the F.....is that???"
Yes,I nearly jumped off my seat......I could not believe my eyes
There she was,sitting,third from the right.
I rubbed my eyes thrice,just to make sure that i had not mistaken her for someone else.I was not seeing things.it was her.

Just then Maam entered.The class started.I still dont remember a single word of what was said and taught in the class.All i remember was watching her,all the time.
Admiring her,liking her more with the every second that passed.
I was to screw my coaching,i was quite confident of it by now.This was not what i wanted.
So days passed.I used to see her arrive,try to study a bit,look at her more than often.Then see her leave.

Days passed.This kept on happening all over again and again.Even tried to talk to her,but just could not manage it.
finally,one fine day,the coaching ended...

Was not able to talk to her once.Was not able to tell her that i kind of liked her,that she was awesomely beautiful and that she looked even better in red....she would have looked good in blue too,grey would have done nothing less.
Color didn't matter.All that mattered was that i wanted to see her.
It became difficult to take my eyes off her.
with every passing second,every minute,every hour,I was falling for her.
I could see this happen.But could not stop myself.Maybe because of the feeling i was having.I somehow liked that tingling down my spine whenever i thought about her.Or when my heart stopped beating when i used to go near her......
I did not know what it was then,I was in a dream.A dream from which i did not want to wake up.....
but the bigger disappointment was...I did not even know her NAME!!

 I could not even manage to find out what her name was...
I started to hate myself.I started to like her more......


The urgency to know her name grew,tried to ask a few friends but all i got was failure.
I lay in bed,tired,disgusted,sad,and helpless.....As helpless as one can get......
I just turned around and pushed my face deep inside my pillow and said to myself"Forget her,she is just a bad dream, that's all"
But bad dreams don't leave so easily,do they????
They always come back to haunt you,this one did too.